Liquor and planes: a song of ice cubes and bad decisions

Many of us like to celebrate the miracle of flight with a bevvy or two. I’m no stranger to airport cocktails or even to having more than one glass of white with my inflight meal. It’s perfectly acceptable. But in the end, there really should be a line that we draw for our own well-being and for the sake of the other passengers and crew we travel with.

Here’s a fun list of incidents from 2014 to remind us all why we should try and keep our inflight drink count in the single digits.

July, 2014

But first, let me take an illegal selfie….

Lee Jezard

Ok, so this picture (left) used by The Telegraph to illustrate the ballad of little Lee Jezard was clearly not snapped during his infamous ordeal. However, I do firmly believe that if this was the guy’s passport photo, security at Birmingham airport may have kept a closer eye on him after he showed up drunk and missed his plane to the party island of Ibiza.

Jezard didn’t get too bummed about missing his plane since he was issued a ticket for the very next day.

This is how Jezard got past security

While most of us would probably have gotten a room at the airport and waited for morning, this happy fellow went instead for a nightcap at the airport bar and got, in his own words, “ absolutely slaughtered”. Then, in what I can only presume was a “drunken stupor” (Toronto residents will get that one), he proceeded to climb onto the luggage belt at a closed check-in counter, follow it into a “secure” area, and board an empty aircraft.

Jezard was eventually apprehended by a cleaner on the plane and arrested for his efforts.

"It's a good job I am not a terrorist,” he said.

Read more here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/transport/10990866/Drunk-passenger-sneaks-onto-empty-plane-after-missing-flight.html

This is an actual picture of the ladies
leaving their bail hearing

August, 2014

This one is close to my heart because it happened on a flight from my home-town. It does a good job reinforcing the virtues of restraint and composure whilst travelling.

On a Sunwing Airlines flight from Toronto to Cuba, two Ontario women of Polish descent decided that four hours was far too long a wait and opted to get their vacation started on the aircraft. First the rebellious little vixens opened up their duty free liquor purchases and got smashed. Then, since nothing chases a neat drink better than a ciggy, they went into the bathroom together and lit one up. This triggered the smoke alarm and a brief physical altercation ensued.

Nobody on Sunwing flight 656 made it to Cuba that day because the plane was promptly escorted back to Pearson by two CF-18 fighter jets.

Sunwing defends fighter-jet thing as standard protocol, but I’m more inclined to label the move as overkill. This scenario is like that time when a certain Mayor of Toronto called in the military after a certain snowstorm….

Read more here: http://globalnews.ca/news/1530975/flight-to-cuba-forced-to-return-to-toronto-after-disruptive-behaviour-by-passengers/

July, 2014

Artist's (my) rendering of how
some people see airline trolleys

Kevin Lee Mosele, a 20 year-old from Maui had to be restrained by British Airways crew on a flight headed to LAX.

One flight attendant reported that the young passenger had bloodshot eyes and “seemed to be intoxicated”. Maybe it was the eyes that tipped them off to his altered state, or maybe the smell of alcohol on his breath. More likely, it was pile of empty mini-bottles that he was allegedly sitting in.

Huffington Post reports that after tearing up a warning note form the pilot, Mosele was heard to say to a flight attendant “I bet I can open the door.” When she didn’t respond, he added “Is that a challenge? I bet I can do it.”

Apparently this guy also mocked, cursed and spat at people in addition to uttering a death threat. He got charged with “interfering with a flight crew” and could now face up to 20 years in jail.

How can a person from Maui be so angry? YOU LIVE BY THE BEACH.

Read more here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/17/kevin-lee-mosele-disruption-british-airways_n_5597518.html

More drunken gems for your reading pleasure!

http://mashable.com/2014/09/29/modern-family-editor-live-tweets-plane-passengers-drunken-meltdown/

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/travel/news/2005-11-28-flight-diverted_x.htm

BONUS MATERIAL! Shit-faced crew: new lows at great heights!

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/07/21/1090089223414.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/America_West_Airlines_Flight_556

Drink (and fly) responsibly friends xxoo

#Avgeek art you can actually afford

I’m a big fan of art and a big fan of aviation as well. I’m also quite certain that I’m not the only one. As aviation becomes more affordable for humans and more interesting to the mainstream media (possibly also humans, but opinions will differ), the magic of flight and the business of travel touch more and more people every day.

As an increasingly diversified group of people begin to really ‘geek-out’ on aviation, and as firms in the space proliferate, the demand for aviation is really taking off. 

There are a few really capable firms out there (like MotoArt and Fallen Furniture) that are re-purposing decommissioned aircraft parts into stunning pieces of art and furniture, but.... unless you’ve got a FAT STACK of cash or a corporate office to decorate, that stuff is probably outside your budget.

For those of us living within more modest means, 08Left.com offers attractive compositions in the form of framed art prints, posters, coasters, T-Shirts and even sofa cushions.

“We‘ve owned and operated a card and stationery design company called Mango Ink for 9+ years,” says Ryan Miller of 08 Left. “In 2014 we decided to start another website to focus on aviation and travel-themed artwork. 08 Left is a combination of multiple passions: art, design, travel and aviation. Aviation is a form of art. Just think about the boldness, the delicacy, the intricacy and the organization that enables us to see the world. We wanted to create art that would capture some of that.”

Miller says that aviation is for everyone. 

He’s all about high quality product for a fair price. His idea was, and is, to create something that average enthusiasts might actually be able to afford. The main focus of the company’s work thus far is airports: towers, aerial-perspective layouts and stylized codes are among the many designs. Additionally, some very cool options exist that feature various aircraft bits (i.e. noses, windows, turbines, wings) and other flight-inspired presentations boldly shaded and seen from compelling viewpoints.

“It's our style,” says Miller of his bright and uncomplicated, almost 

Warhol-y art. 

“Clean. 

Modern. 

Simple. 

Uncluttered. Colorful. 

It's just what we like and it's the only art we can create – art we would want.”

Miller hopes that others will like the concepts at 08 Left as much as he does. I know I think it’s all just fab. The agreeable price-points are meant to allow folks to build a collection…. perhaps displaying the places they’ve been or the destinations they’ve yet to see.

Posters at 08 Left will run you US $22.99 – US 37.99. Art prints range from $49.99 – $74.99 and metal prints come in two sizes as well. If you’re looking for an airport that isn’t part of the existing offering, these guys are happy to make it for you. 

***A note to readers. The background image for this blog is by 08 Left.

German Christmas Markets are Wicked-Fun

Real misteltoe

The holidays can be a rough time for expats like myself. This is one time of year when the miles between you and home seem extra-long, the nights feel extra dark and the crispy wind feel extra cold. Here in Germany, however, there is something which happens around this time that is so awesome it can make even the home-sickiest expat forget they’re missing home.

Of course I’m talking about traditional German Christmas markets!!!

In Germany, Christmas is called “Weihnachten” or “hallowed nights” and the incredible markets that spring up all across the country near Christmas-time are called “Weihnachstmarkts”.

Weihnachtsmarkts are AWESOME.

I’ll try and describe the one in Hamburg. First, think of a midway at a Fall Fair or the CNE, now replace the carnies with normal people and the cotton candy with warm, roasted nuts. Replace the soda-pop and Slurpees with hot spiced wine and cold beer. Replace the rigged games and made-in-Taiwan prizes with friendly local vendors selling hand-made candles and Fair Trade scarves, painstakingly carved wooden decorations and tiny alpine chalets that double as incense burners. Finally, trade in the rickety Tilt-O-Whirl blasting Ace of Bass and the smell of burning gears with a 1940’s-era carousel and the smell of cookies and cinnamon. Getting the picture?

At a good Christmas market, you can almost feel the magic of the Christmas spirit creeping into your cold, cold heart. Or is that just the Gluhwein? Let’s stop right here for a minute and talk about Gluhwein**.

**Wikipedia says: Gluhwein is a traditional winter beverage (dating back to the year 1420) prepared from red wine, heated and spiced with cinnamon sticks, cloves, star aniseed, citrus, sugar and at times vanilla pods. It is sometimes drunk mit Schuss (with a shot).

Gluhwein in the big glass things

Gluhwein, especially “Mit Schuss” is wonderful. It keeps you oh-so-warm as you meander the corridors of a Christmas market, and it also gets you HELLA-DRUNK if you have more than two. Nearly everyone at the Christmas market is rosy-cheeked and smiling and half-tanked on Gluhwein – it’s a beautiful thing.

If you don’t buy into the commercialization of holidays, like to support local artisans and bakers, and generally want to feel some Christmas magic, I suggest you visit Germany in December and get your ass to a Weihnachtsmarkt. Have some Gluhwein, eat some Schmalzgebäck (think Tiny Tom donuts at wonderland, only more irregular in shape) and buy some incredible, traditional, one-of a kind gifts. I guarantee that 
you will have a blast.

*AND* If you’re REALLY lucky, you might even get to see “Der Weihnachtsmann” (Santa).

"Old Pan" goes to Berlin

Even as a person who comes from a large city (Toronto) and still lives in a fairly big one (Hamburg), I find Berlin to be somewhat daunting. It’s not spotless or beautiful. It lacks tall buildings to lend a skyline or easy points of reference for orientation. It’s got a train map with so many lines it looks like the veins on my grandmother’s legs and the construction going on is so profound that it’s really hard to imagine what anything looks like without pylons, cranes and scaffolding everywhere.

I think anyone will agree with me though, when I say that what Berlin lacks in superficial grace is made up for in history and soul…. Oh, and street art! 

I have a friend here in Germany who recently took a job and a furnished apartment in the heart of Berlin. Last weekend I decided to take a train to visit her. Berlin can be reached from Hamburg in less than two hours via Deutsche Bahn’s ICE (inter-city express) trains. I scored an awesome deal and paid just 25€ each way, but apparently last-minute offerings of around 27-29€ are not uncommon. Despite their relatively close proximity to one-another (close at least in the mind of a Canadian), Hamburg and Berlin could hardly be more different.

The faces in Berlin are a bit more colorful, the gypsy population a bit more visible, the clothes a bit funkier and English can be heard more frequently on the streets.  

If Hamburg is a city of classic homogeneity, Berlin is one of juxtaposition and funky-mod chaos.

Everything I ate in Berlin was reasonably priced or even cheap in comparison with other German cities I’ve visited. The large number of immigrants means more variety. I found the cocktails to be delicious everywhere and naturally we went to see the typical tourist draws like the Brandenburg Gate and the Dom (big church). If you’re planning to visit, make sure you also check out the East Side Gallery, which is where about a kilometer of the mural-bedecked Berlin wall has been left standing. There are several areas in the city where, on the weekend, little flea markets pop up and you can get some crazy things from the past (like wartime documents, passports, photographs and old money), original art and vintage clothing and jewelry… all for a steal.

In the evening I would recommend heading to Ostkreuz, which is another transit hub in East Berlin (the formerly Soviet-controlled area). Here you’ll find a lot of great cocktail bars with a mature-but-not-too-old clientele and a mildly hipster vibe. Again, tasty food is in no short supply. We found an Italian place in this district where meals for 2 people, plus a salad to share and two beers cost €14 (CAN $19.50).

If you feel like taking the party up a notch after bouncing through the Ostrkreuz cocktail bar area, head on over to Ritter Butzke. 

One of Berlin’s more well-known night clubs, this place opens at midnight – which I think is good indication of the type of party you’ll find here. Three rooms play different varieties of house music and all three have great atmospheres. Germans tend to like really minimal house (no build, no drop, just monotonous beats and the occasional random vocal sample), which is played in the largest room. I don’t like it much but that’s just my preference. I found the music in the other two rooms just fine.

A lot of people in here are on drugs and are chewing madly on nothing, but after my many years of raving in Toronto that doesn’t frighten me… and it shouldn’t frighten you either. People on ecstasy or MDMA are always friendlier than sober or just drunk people. We met some really nice Swiss guys who bought us several rounds of drinks (something rare in Germany) and I was hit on by a 22 year-old who, after asking my age, quoted an old German saying that goes:

“If you want to learn how to cook, you need to use an old pan.”

I didn’t teach him how to cook that night, but I had a great time in Berlin and I’ll be going back soon.

Deciphering Deutschland: Language WTF?!

Silly verbs, vol. 1

Verbs!

There’s saying that goes: “If you want to know what a German is talking about, you have to wait until he’s finished.”

After living in this magical land of beer and schnitzel for about a year and half, I can verify the validity of this statement. The German language is a genuine clusterf*#% of rules and grammatical formulas that are incredibly puzzling to most native English speakers … and speakers of many other languages, for that matter. I’m currently trying to learn it and yeah, wow.

OK. So, let’s try to understand why the above statement is true.

In English, the placement of the verb/verbs in a sentence isn’t super important. Sure they sound really dumb in some spots, but it’s generally flexible.

*in case you forgot, a verb is an ‘action’ word i.e walk, run, talk, jump etc.

In English you can say: I had a wild party last night and my neighbor called the police.

Or you can say: Last night I had a wild party and my neighbor called the police.

See how ‘had’ moved there? First it was the second thing in the sentence (after 'I'), then it was third (after ‘last night’ and I) No problem, right? And see how ‘called’ is 3^rd from the end? Why, that’s the perfect spot for that verb! Looks great there, doesn’t it?

Not if you’re a German.

In a typical German sentence, the verb MUST be the 2^nd thing in the sentence. If there is another verb, it goes at the end. Wünderbar!

In German you can say: Ich hatte letzte nacht ein verrückte Party und mein Nachbar hat die Polizisten angerufuen.   

Or you can say: Letzte nacht hatte ich eine verrückte Party und mein Nachbar hat die Polizisten angerufen.                  

 *note that nouns are ALL capitalized. WTF?

See how ‘hatte’ (had) did not move? First, it was the second thing in the sentence (after I), then it was second again after ‘letzte nacht’(last night). And see how ‘angerufen’ (called) is right at the end in both?

Verbs are like the kings of the German sentence, the rest of the words will just arrange themselves around these stubborn jerks and bask in their sunshine. The one at the end is really infuriating because no matter how many details you add to that sentence, it DOES NOT MOVE.

For example: Ich hatte letzte nacht eine verucktes party mit zehn rote hunde und zwei scwarze Eisbären und mein Nachbar hat, wegen den Lärm die Polizei angerufen.

LITERAL TRANSLATION!!!!!: I had last night a crazy party with ten red dogs and two black Polar Bears and my neighbor, because of the noise, the police called.

AHA! Proof! Just look at that bloody sentence! You actually don’t know what the heck is going on until it’s well and truly over. 

Oy Veh.

Gary Larson's av-doodles

I've always admired Gary Larson's talent. His single panel "Far Side" comics were syndicated in almost 2000 newspapers for 15 years. They can appeal to just about anyone, and without the use of vulgarity or belittling any specific group. Simple and earnest, his highly-relatable (and sometimes silly) sketches made us laugh for years... one tableau and clever caption at a time.Though he retired in 1995 for fear of becoming repetitive, Larson's body of work is profound and will no doubt remain popular for many years to come. 

Here are some of his best cartoons featuring aviation and the wonder of flight:

Thanks for the chuckles Gary!

Travel accessories for people who really just don't care

Do you march to the beat of your own drum? Do you really just not care at all what others think of you? Do you love to travel? If you answered “YES!” to these questions, I salute you! Being different isn’t easy.

Here are some travel accessories that might appeal to you:

1.  I’m tired and I don’t care

This is an oldie-but-a-goodie. The SkyRest Travel Pillow (a.k.a. that massive tray-table sleeping wedge) has been a staple of the SkyMall catalogue for as long as any of us can remember. The man shown sleeping in the photo is basically a celebrity. Bless his heart! He looks so serene. For the low, low price of just US $29.95, you too can drool all over your tray-table and garner looks of jealously and admiration from your fellow passengers. And if you’re really lucky you might just become a celebrity too; because thanks to the wonders of mobile technology and social media, “passenger shaming” is now a thing.

Get it here:  http://www.skymall.com/skyrest-travel-pillow/99010.html

2. I’m tall and I don’t care

This one really has the internet up in arms. The Knee Defender got some major press recently after a United Airlines flight diverted to Denver because two passengers had a fight over the use of it… and that is not the only reported disturbance. The device is cheap (US $22) and simple: two plastic bits clip onto your open tray-table and prevent the person in front of you from reclining their seat. Many airlines have banned the product and some have likened the use of a Knee Defender to smoking or doing drugs on the plane. This one could get you in trouble, but its fine as long as you don’t care.

Get it here: http://www.gadgetduck.com/

3. I’m probably lost and I don’t care

T-shirts emblazoned with trite statements or "grey-area" humor are the hallmark of the person who could not care less. For the indifferent globetrotter, this one by SpreadShirt is ideal. You’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t worry much about whether they’re in the right hotel, at the right gate, on the right plane etc. When used properly, this shirt ensures that OTHER PEOPLE can easily determine where you’re supposed to be, and worry about s#^% for you.

Get it here: http://www.spreadshirt.com/if-lost-and-or-drunk-please-return-to-glow-in-the-dark-C3376A9308248#/detail/9308248T815A317PC122069282PA1659

4.  I’m very anti-social and I don’t care

If this product appeals to you, you’re probably a jerk. But, since you don’t care if people think you’re a jerk or not, you want it. Maybe you already have it. This veil of secrecy and seclusion is called the “B-tourist” and is the brainchild of some Israeli design students. It has a handy pocket for your pepper spray and industrial-grade hand sanitizer. I am very keen to hear from anyone who has seen this puppy in action.

Not sure how you can get your hand on one of these, but it’s photographed from almost every conceivable angle here: http://www.designboom.com/design/idan-noyberg-gal-bulka-flight-comfort-b-tourist-strip-05-12-2014/

5. I am not sober and I don’t care

It’s hard not to marvel at the last accessory on the “I don’t care” list. The ingenuity of it! Drinks at the airport are always too expensive and many airlines now charge for booze as well, what’s a person to do? Look no further than “Flip Flasks”, the perfect footwear for the traveller who cares so little about hygiene (or anything, for that matter) that they’re prepared to drink out of something that has foot AND dirty floor-junk all over it. These babies come in three styles: Plain, pot leaf making peace sign, and skull and crossbones. WARNING! this product is not intended for use in US airports where shoe removal is mandatary.

Get it here: http://www.flipflask.com/buy.html